Emotional Terrors in the Workplace: Protecting Your Business Bottom Line - Emotional Continuity Management in the Workplace

HOW TO REMAIN NEUTRAL AND GROUNDED

• Neutral : impartial, not taking sides, disinterested , non-aligned

• Grounded : steady, firm, sturdy, balanced, whole

Remaining neutral and well grounded in the face of spinning is the only effective position. Employees should just step away from the spin, and defer management to managers. Managers should carefully gather information, evaluate and synthesize data, reevaluate, and gather more data while keeping an eye on the big picture of the organizational mission. An effective manager becomes a bit like Switzerland. Switzerland maintains its neutrality partly due to the fact that it is a very powerful country with an extremely well trained and expertly prepared military power to back it up if necessary. Unless it becomes necessary to defend themselves or attack someone else they will just remain neutral and operate from the observation deck. If Switzerland did not have a powerful army as a contingency, it would be more difficult to remain neutral. If management does not have the backing of effective policy and solid, supportive CEO or Administration, it is very difficult to remain neutral in a battle against regular conflicts, much less the more derisive and distorted conflicts associated with workplace emotions and Emotional Terrorism.

Standing ground and remaining neutral in the face of conflict is a learned skill and can become an art form. Like all skills it takes a willingness to learn. Unfortunately, many adults think they have learned it all. It is uncomfortable to be new at something. Remember, most people don't like being uncomfortable. Conflict is uncomfortable, and managing conflict can be quite uncomfortable. Managing conflict in the midst of personal discomfort takes energy and life force, plus it takes being a neutral grown up.

Remember that growth can happen in the presence of conflict. The seed must be in conflict with its hull to germinate. This is life. Without life, growth stops and decay begins. Decay is evidence of the end of life force. When growth stops death is not far behind. Effective managers need to keep up their own personal life force to manage the rigors of managing other peoples' life force. Then they take all that energy and turn it into grounded neutrality. This is daunting work. Not everyone is cut out for it. Managers have to balance great self-care while being in the presence of a range of things that most people only read about or see on television.

This is particularly difficult when managers have been promoted from within ranks. Perhaps someone is a brilliant nurse or administrative assistant. This does not mean they have had ANY management training. This must be attended to for good management. Spend training dollars to let managers learn how to manage. This is a brilliant investment!

To stay neutral, try to see the bigger picture of the system in working order. Use self-care models and transformation ideas to find your own central core .

Managing Conflict or Threatening Emotions

• Communicate limits ("I won't allow you to scream at me").

• Share your personal feelings ("I feel upset when you raise your voice").

• Exit. Leave quietly without explanation and refuse to join conflict.

• Identify how the conflict may be something you will need to address, but that you are not the conflict. The person escalating owns the conflict.

• Breathe, relax, breathe, stay calm and quietly grounded. Think of the conflict as a set of burning boats trying to port in your harbor, but you do not let them tie up on your dock. You will watch these burning boats sail away into the sunset.

• Keep your office doors open when in a conflict situation.

• Remember that conflict is a temporary condition. Conflict can be turned creative.

• Soften your voice while continuing to speak your truth.

• Do not use escalating language, gestures, body language, or make threats.

• If someone crosses your boundaries emotionally, it may be necessary to enlist assistance.

• If you ask someone to stop a behavior and the behavior continues you may need to ask twice. If they do not respond after two requests it is appropriate to exit the situation. You may inform them that you will continue this discussion at a later date, but that the emotional content is too loaded at this time.

• Document your experience after the fact, not during the event.

• If someone crosses your boundaries physically call 911, security, or scream for help.

• If you are male, screaming for help in a dangerous situation is appropriate. Many men are needlessly attacked because they assume they can "talk themselves out" of an escalating situation and think it isn't masculine to seek help. There is nothing un-masculine about needing help if someone is threatening your well-being and you are isolated.

A Conflict Resolution Management Checklist

• Don't mix business with pleasure or displeasure

• Treat the other party like a business associate

• Use recordkeeping

• Use third parties to communicate when it is indicated or agreed upon

• Be on time and honor agreements made

• Focus on the problem not the blame

• People in business give one another the benefit of the doubt

• Prepare for meetings

• Let go, move on, don't fight, do business

• Keep feelings in check

• Do not make assumptions

• Keep your dignity

• Use common courtesy Do not tattle

• Use a "we can do this" attitude

• Use negotiating skills

• Do not seek or expect emotional support

• Make and keep appointments

• Use appropriate timing

• Keep personal information out of the business

• Monitor your own body language and voice tone

• Spend 25% of the time defining your position and 75% of the time exploring your shared interests

• Review the meeting to check for understanding

• Differences do not automatically mean failures

• Disagreements can lead to clarity

Relationships contain two elements: Business and Emotions . Remain a business professional while you also take care of your emotions. Emotions matter. But they matter mostly to YOU. Business communication is different than emotional communication. Pay attention to your words, tone, body language, and agenda to maintain a business relationship at work. Business isn't cozy and intimate that's okay. Make sure you get your cozy intimacy needs met in appropriate venues so you do not depend on your business contacts to meet those needs and preferences.

Conflict Resolution 101 in Five Minutes

The Core Training for Conflict or Dispute Resolution can be taught in approximately five minutes. Becoming an expert takes longer.

PART ONE: POSITIONS

• In a conflict, people take positions

• Those positions reflect their opinions and values

• Positions are forces of energy which do not appear to be similar in any way

• Positions are stuck and fixed, rigid, nonnegotiable, win-lose

  1. A position reflects Wants, Preferences, Needs and the smaller picture.

  2. Needs are non-negotiable. Wants are flexible and negotiable.

  3. Preferences range between a minor and a major preference and can be flexible.

  4. Locked, Rigid, or Fixed Positions are unproductive to forward movement.

  5. Flexibility does not mean giving up a position, it means bending, or finding "flex points." Flex points are micro-units of positions which can be wiggled to find movement.

  6. Flexing a position only serves if parties have a Shared Interest. As soon as positions have been defined, turn energies to shared interests.

PART TWO: SHARED INTERESTS

• To move toward resolution people must move away from positions to shared interests.

• Positions are important and sacred and need not be sacrificed to find a shared interest.

• Shared interests are win-win discussions, although flexibility, compromise, and negotiation may mean everyone doesn't "win" everything they want

  7. Shared Interests are what originally brought the parties together and now reflect the basis of any continued relationship and the bigger picture

  8. Spend only 25% of the time defining position

  9. Spend 75% defining, remembering, and working at clarifying Shared Interests and exploring micro-units of possible flex-points

  10. If both parties have a Shared Interest in keeping a conflict going, it will go on. If both parties have a Shared Interest in resolving the conflict there is hope that it will be resolved.

  11. One kind of resolution is in the discovery that there will not be a resolution

  12. A party can maintain a position and work for Shared Interest

  13. If the mission is about controlling someone or something, resolution is difficult to achieve.

  14. Resolution does not always mean agreement. Resolution can be an "agreement to peacefully never agree but get on with the Shared Interest Anyway." This is a way to honor differences and yet move forward.

  15. If part of the collective mission is about honoring the self and others, resolution is not as difficult to achieve even with fixed positions. The focus returns to the Shared Interest and parties move on and continue to look for creative solutions to their different visions .

  16. Creative Solutions come from generating as many options as possible.